Sex on the Brain

Sex is more about the brain than about anything else. Photo: Glamour.

Warning: This blog post talks about sex. It’s no more explicit than you would see in a magazine like Glamour, but if you think it would offend you, please don’t read it.

In various blog posts (and in a few drunken monologues on weekends), I’ve already admitted that:

• I like Margaritas and Diet Cokes.
• I’m not fat, but am in no danger of ever being a size zero.
• I spend too much money getting coffee at the Dirty.
• I saw “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” five times in the theatre.
• I’ve got crushes on both Michael Cera and Rachel Maddow.
• Last year, I had a very confusing dream about JoJo.

And possibly most embarrassing of all:

• I read Glamour, Vogue, Teen Vogue, and other magazines that are bad for my self-esteem.

But those magazines aren’t always right. Glamour has an article titled “Six Secrets About His Man Parts” that is completely misleading about what turns guys on.

I can’t read guys’ minds and I’m not the world’s foremost expert, but I think that I understand them pretty well.

The mistake that guys make about themselves — but which is more surprising in a magazine for women — is to think that sex is mainly just physical. It’s not. (The article was written by a guy, so no surprise there.)

Even for guys, sex is mostly mental. It’s his brain that you need to target, not his penis. I’m not saying “hands off,” of course: at the right time, that closes the deal. But there’s much more to it than simply making a grab for his joystick, at least if you want the situation to go well.

A lot goes in in a guy’s brain* when it comes to sex. His “old brain” (the primitive parts of the brain) just wants to find a fertile female, impregnate her, and then go find another one to do it again. But his “old brain” is pretty stupid and doesn’t know or care if you’re using contraception. It just pushes him to engage in biologically programmed behaviors that, in pre-technological settings, maximize the number of his children in the next generation.

Speaking of which, here’s a theological view of the subject. God makes Adam and then says, “I’ve got good news and bad news.” Adam says, “Give me the good news first.” God says, “I gave you a brain and a penis.” Adam says, “What’s the bad news?” And God says, “I didn’t give you enough blood to run both of them at the same time.”

However, a human male is much more than just programmed behaviors. He’s aware of himself as a person. He needs to feel powerful: it’s one of those guy things. He needs to respect himself and feel that he is important in his social hierarchy. He needs to feel that he is desired and desirable. He’s an intelligent being and he thinks (who knew? 🙂 ).

He has also had unique experiences in his life that he associates with sexual excitement. Those sometimes have nothing to do with sex itself, but they excite him just as if they had everything to do with it. They can be objects, words, ideas, or situations that are like “on buttons” in his brain. Guys are often very shy about revealing those things, but if you can guess what the buttons are, go ahead and push them.

So the real way to interest and excite a guy is to remember that sex takes place on many levels: mental, emotional, instinctive, and physical — but mostly it takes place in his brain.

Excite his emotions, make him feel powerful, push his mental “on buttons” if you know what they are. And of course don’t forget to flip the switch on his old brain: Show him something sexy or new to stimulate him visually. Hit him with a fragrance. Do all the other stuff that everyone knows about. If a guy is repressed, even biting him (not there, and not hard enough to draw blood) can help. It stimulates him physically by causing pain, but it also surprises him and breaks up his conscious control. That frees his ability to act on his desires.

I didn’t intend to get quite so explicit, but all of that is true. It won’t be a big surprise to some people, but maybe it will be helpful to others.

(Blog post #194!)

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* Of course, here I’m talking about straight guys.

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Copyright 2011 by Rinth de Shadley.

Stupid Pickup Lines

We went clubbing tonight but have an early-morning start so I’m in early.

No time to write much but I heard two amazingly stupid pickup lines tonight.

Hey, I’m not criticizing. Sometimes stupid works. If a guy is willing to make a fool of himself and risk almost certain rejection, it shows that he’s motivated.

Pickup line #1 was addressed to my friend Kris, not to me. If I posted a pic of us from tonight you would understand. When we’re out, she gets most of the attention. I’m okay with that. We aren’t usually interested in the same kinds of guys, so there’s no conflict.

Anyway, here’s the line: “You are two babes’ worth of sexy.”

Yeah, I told you it was stupid. The guy was okay though. And obviously motivated.

Pickup line #2 was a guy making a joke about how good he was in bed. At least, I think he was making a joke.

He said, “I know that I’m good in bed.” When I asked him how he knew, he said, “Because I’m always satisfied.” And then he grinned. And I laughed, it was kind of funny.

That guy wasn’t awful, either, but not worth canceling tomorrow morning’s plans.

Valentine’s Day Afterparty

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and today is the Valentine’s Day Afterparty.

Okay, I lied about the second part. Today, I’ve been making up study time that I spent partying in the first part.

Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose.

Last year, I had a Valentine’s Day secret admirer whose identity I discovered at brunch on Sunday. The surprise was pleasant.

This year, the admirer was no secret and the admiration was mutual, but we skipped Sunday brunch. The surprise came on Monday.

I thought nothing was going to happen, but the surprise was a Valentine’s Day dinner in Holyoke. Live music. Passion fruit sorbet. Margherita chicken. Shrimp. Chocolate fondue. Champagne. Then afterwards, some quiet time together, talking and celebrating in less verbal ways.

So instead of studying, I spent the evening at dinner and in various Sixth-Commandment violations, starting with immodest dress. 🙂

I’m catching up tonight, but it was worth it.

I hope that you, too, had a wonderful Valentine’s Day!

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Copyright 2011 by Rinth de Shadley.

Don’t Put a Ring on It

One of the featured WordPress blogs today is titled “Get a Ring on It: How to Get Your Significant Other to Propose.”

Apparently, the way to get a guy (or woman, if you’re in a progressive state) to propose marriage isn’t any of the things you’d normally expect.

It’s not good food. It’s not interesting conversation. It’s not affection and support. And no, it’s not that, either, although I’m sure that can’t hurt.

So what’s the way to get your significant other to propose? Take him or her to Europe.

From my viewpoint, there are three things wrong with that advice.

First, I do want to get married someday, but not right now. If I could snag the marriage proposal now and keep it in a safe deposit box for a few years, that would be ideal.

Second, I’ve already been to Europe so much that I’d like to go someplace else. Would that work as well, marriage proposal-wise? I was thinking maybe of a nice Caribbean beach with swimming in the day and dancing at night. Or go see ancient temples in India or Thailand or China. I’ve never been to those places. If we really wanted to live dangerously, we could drive up the road to Smith, but I couldn’t guarantee our safety. You know those wild Smithies. 🙂

Third, I don’t have a serious “significant other” right now. I’ve got friends, but nobody I see as a partner for life. (Penn Badgley, if you ever read this, I’m easy to find.)

The days are over when we have to hurry up and get married as soon as possible. If somebody else wants to do it, then I’ll be happy to serve as a bridesmaid and drink champagne at the wedding. But for me, for now, it’s school and studies.

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Copyright 2011 by Rinth de Shadley.

My Top 10 Lies of 2010

This doesn’t look much like me. And that’s the truth.

I definitely do not endorse lying. But I would be lying if I said that I never did it.

The best I can say is that I don’t do it to hurt anyone. If there is such a thing as “white lies,” I claim that mine fall into that category.

Anyway, here are my top 10 lies of 2010:

1. “I’m 21.”

Before I turned 21 this year, I told that lie a few times. Of course, I would never, ever use fake ID to back it up. Never never. Honestly, hardly ever.

2. “I weigh 110.”

Yeah, right. Nobody believed that one, but they were nice and pretended to believe it.

3. “I’m a complete ditz with computers.”

Actually, I’m not. But there was a cute tech support guy at the hospital where I had my summer internship. He showed me lots of moves that I already knew about. On the computer, I mean.

4. “It’s just the right size.”

A guy I was dating asked if the passenger seat of his car was comfortable for me. Actually, it was a little small, but I know how sensitive guys can be about their cars. And if you want to read that as a metaphor for something else, feel free. 🙂

5. “I’ll be ready in two minutes.”

Make that 20 minutes. But there’s a reason. If you make a guy wait a little while (but not too long), the anticipation makes him more eager and excited.

6. “I just wear whatever is in the closet.”

Uh-uh. Not even at school, where our style of dress is very casual. I’m no Serena van der Woodsen, but I do my best to look good.

7. “It was only $50.”

My Alice + Olivia cardigan was really over $200, but it is comfortable, tres sexy, and worth every penny. And I bought it with my own money: I just didn’t want the ‘rents to bug me about it.

8. “I absolutely love basketball!”

When you’re dealing with testosterone, you have to make a few compromises. I don’t care much about basketball but I like the guy. So it’s only fair to do some things that he likes to do. Besides the obvious.

9. “I’m only going to eat a little bit of that.”

A serving of ice cream has no calories if you only eat half, so that’s what I did on Mountain Day. Half of this serving, and half of that one. It ended up being more than a little bit, but it was good!

10. “It’s my natural hair color.”

No, it’s another miracle of modern chemistry. But I’m glad you like it. 🙂

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Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.

My Torso Is Not in a Dumpster

Commencement by J. Courtney Sullivan. It’s amazing!

I know that I haven’t blogged since before my date last week, but don’t worry: I’m not dead!

My date last Friday night was wonderful. He definitely did not chop me up into little pieces and put them into zip-lock sandwich bags for mailing to a weird little rural town full of cannibals. 🙂

Yes, I know that sounds crazy. But in my own defense, I’m not the only one who sometimes has morbid fears like that.

As I mentioned on Twitter, I’m reading J. Courtney Sullivan’s new novel Commencement, about four friends at Smith College. It is amazing! But in an early scene, one of the friends wakes up after a night of drunken passion:

The guy lying next to her was named Brian or Ryan; that much she remembered. Everything else was a bit of a blur … She was lucky not to have been chopped up into little bits. You saw it in the papers all the time: They met at a party, he asked her to go for a stroll, two days later the police found her torso in a dumpster in Queens. She wished that casual sex wasn’t so intimately connected to the possibility of being murdered, but there you had it.

Just for the record, no sex, casual or otherwise, has occurred yet with the guy I’m seeing. Of course, it depends on what you count as sex, but it’s not casual, anyway. And he’s a doctor. And my Dad is on the board of the hospital where he works and where I am a summer intern. So the situation lacks the kind of anonymity that might lead to my torso being found in a dumpster in Queens. Plus, he’d need to figure out how to get my torso on a plane to New York to dump it there. 🙂

Oooh, this is sounding kind of gruesome! Sorry about that. I’m really a very happy person, not suicidal, don’t cut myself, etc., etc., and so forth.

But I totally recommend that you run out and get Commencement. I will post a full book review when I’ve finished reading it, but I am enjoying it a lot.

My guy won’t tell me where we’re going tonight, but it’s going to be a dance club. That much I know.

Eeek! I have to be ready in a little over an hour! Wish me luck … and I hope that you have a great weekend, too!

Ttfn …

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Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.

My Big Fat Friday Dinner Date

Maybe this is the place. If it is, I’ll see you there!

Remember my doctor friend at the hospital, the one who’s going to help me study for the MCAT?

Well, he’s taking me on a late dinner date tonight to a super-nice restaurant down on Clark Street. I haven’t been there before, but I’ve heard of it and it sounds wonderful.

Of course, I’ll try not to eat or drink very much, both to make a good impression and so that I’ll still be thinking clearly later on.

Just by coincidence, the restaurant is fairly close to where he lives but farther away from where I live. These things are just a teensy bit predictable. After dinner, he’ll suggest that we go back to his place to listen to music or watch a DVD. That’s fine. I want to do that, along with the expected extra-curricular activities. But then it gets late. And he asks, ever so innocently, if maybe I should stay there tonight?

I’ll be disappointed if he doesn’t try. And I do like him. But no, sorry, not on the first date.

I need to let the boy make a little progress so he feels that it’s worth the effort. But not too much progress. As my Mom says, people don’t appreciate what they get too easily. It applies to education, and to money, and … to other things. 🙂

And with that, I had better start getting ready!

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Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.

Secret Admirer Unmasked!

Sunday, brunch, 11:00 am, and time for my secret admirer to unmask!

Yes, it was who I thought it would be. And I couldn’t have been happier.

We sat close, and whispered, and laughed, and kissed ever so politely because we were in public. The scent and the warmth and even just the gentle touch were perfect. The food was wonderful but I didn’t eat much because I was distracted (in a good way).

I really have to study tonight even though I can still feel the caress on my cheek. I can close my eyes and re-experience … well, anyway, it was my best Valentine’s Day yet. We’ll see where it leads. 🙂

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Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.

Secret Admirer!

When I got back to my room this morning, there was a pre-Valentine’s Day present from a secret admirer!

I won’t say what the present was (blush), but it was wonderful. And there was an invitation to a mysterious rendezvous on Valentine’s Day.

I admit that I’m curious. And interested. And a little excited.

Maybe I know who it is, but I’m not sure. It will be fun to find out. 🙂

What I’ve Learned About Guys

Now that I’ve fully recovered from my Saturday night of excess and debauchery at UMass, I was thinking about what I learned from it.

Don’t get the wrong idea, by the way. It wasn’t that excessive or debauched. Several of us went to the party together so we could look out for each other. We did drink a little, there were lots of guys to dance with, and there was some fairly good music. But that’s about it. On a debauchery scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a primary-school production of “The Sound of Music” and 10 being a typical day in Congress, the party was about a 6.

I didn’t really learn much from the party except that I should avoid having more than two drinks. Or maybe it was five: the exact number is a little hazy. But it did remind me of some things that I already knew about guys. Some of the things are occasionally annoying, but most of the time, they’re funny and kind of sweet:

If a guy at a party can get you drunk, he will.

Or at least he’ll try. Especially a college guy. It’s not even just about sex: it’s about male dominance. When you’re drunk, he’s more in control of things. Being in control is very important to guys. In the right situation, I’m not even against it, but getting trashed probably isn’t the best method.

Most guys think if you’re nice to them, it means you want to have sex with them.

Or even if you just smile at them on the street, they think that.

Their minds naturally go there. Parts of a guy’s brain that process sexual impulses (the interstitial nuclei of the anterior hypothalamus, or INAH) are twice as large in men as in women. Guys have a lot more wiring devoted to thinking about sex, so they think about it a lot. You knew I was studying neuroscience, right?

A guy is like a two-way light switch.

If a guy’s sex drive gets turned on, his thinking gets suppressed. If his thinking gets turned on, his sex drive gets suppressed. It’s called lateral inhibition. It’s why if you have an itch, you can make it better by scratching next to it. The same thing sometimes happens with brain systems: when one goes on, the other goes off. It also happens with the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, but that subject is too nerdy for a blog.

A guy’s intelligence can think of you as a person and treat you with respect. A guy’s sex drive doesn’t think of you as a person, but only as a place to put it. So if you want to have a normal conversation with a guy, you’ve got to avoid activating his sex drive.

Of course, because guys naturally think about sex, it’s very hard to avoid activating their sex drive. Heavy overcoats and ankle-length skirts can help, but very few of us want to wear those, so we don’t have a good solution to the problem.

Guys like to pursue even more than they like to capture.

Guys are all about the chase. They think that they like sex the most. But what they really seem to like, even more than sex, is trying to get sex.

The chase gives their lives meaning. The capture makes them fear that they’re going to be domesticated and forced to change diapers. Which they are, sometimes. They don’t like that idea even though studies show they will be happier, healthier, and live longer than otherwise. But nobody ever accused guys of making sense. 🙂

And now, I have homework. Ttys!

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Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.