Warning: This blog post talks about sex. It’s no more explicit than you would see in a magazine like Glamour, but if you think it would offend you, please don’t read it.
In various blog posts (and in a few drunken monologues on weekends), I’ve already admitted that:
- I like Margaritas and Diet Cokes.
- I’m not fat, but am in no danger of ever being a size zero.
- I spend too much money getting coffee at the Dirty.
- I saw “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” five times in the theatre.
- I’ve got crushes on both Michael Cera and Rachel Maddow.
- Last year, I had a very confusing dream about JoJo.
And possibly most embarrassing of all:
- I read Glamour, Vogue, Teen Vogue, and other magazines that are bad for my self-esteem.
But those magazines aren’t always right. Glamour has an article titled “Six Secrets About His Man Parts” that is completely misleading about what turns guys on.
I can’t read guys’ minds and I’m not the world’s foremost expert, but I think that I understand them pretty well.
The mistake that guys make about themselves — but which is more surprising in a magazine for women — is to think that sex is mainly just physical. It’s not. (The article was written by a guy, so no surprise there.)
Even for guys, sex is mostly mental. It’s his brain that you need to target, not his penis. I’m not saying “hands off,” of course: at the right time, that closes the deal. But there’s much more to it than simply making a grab for his joystick, at least if you want the situation to go well.
A lot goes in in a guy’s brain* when it comes to sex. His “old brain” (the primitive parts of the brain) just wants to find a fertile female, impregnate her, and then go find another one to do it again. But his “old brain” is pretty stupid and doesn’t know or care if you’re using contraception. It just pushes him to engage in biologically programmed behaviors that, in pre-technological settings, maximize the number of his children in the next generation.
Speaking of which, here’s a theological view of the subject. God makes Adam and then says, “I’ve got good news and bad news.” Adam says, “Give me the good news first.” God says, “I gave you a brain and a penis.” Adam says, “What’s the bad news?” And God says, “I didn’t give you enough blood to run both of them at the same time.”
However, a human male is much more than just programmed behaviors. He’s aware of himself as a person. He needs to feel powerful: it’s one of those guy things. He needs to respect himself and feel that he is important in his social hierarchy. He needs to feel that he is desired and desirable. He’s an intelligent being and he thinks (who knew? 🙂 ).
He has also had unique experiences in his life that he associates with sexual excitement. Those sometimes have nothing to do with sex itself, but they excite him just as if they had everything to do with it. They can be objects, words, ideas, or situations that are like “on buttons” in his brain. Guys are often very shy about revealing those things, but if you can guess what the buttons are, go ahead and push them.
So the real way to interest and excite a guy is to remember that sex takes place on many levels: mental, emotional, instinctive, and physical — but mostly it takes place in his brain.
Excite his emotions, make him feel powerful, push his mental “on buttons” if you know what they are. And of course don’t forget to flip the switch on his old brain: Show him something sexy or new to stimulate him visually. Hit him with a fragrance. Do all the other stuff that everyone knows about. If a guy is repressed, even biting him (not there, and not hard enough to draw blood) can help. It stimulates him physically by causing pain, but it also surprises him and breaks up his conscious control. That frees his ability to act on his desires.
I didn’t intend to get quite so explicit, but all of that is true. It won’t be a big surprise to some people, but maybe it will be helpful to others.
(Blog post #194!)
* Of course, here I’m talking about straight guys.
Copyright 2011 by Rinth de Shadley.
Is it okay for people you don’t know to compliment you about your body? And how should you react?
Another blogger, Morgan, shared her experience. She was walking home from the gym, wearing shorts, and a stranger complimented her legs. She wrote:
I kept walking quickly by and looked towards the ground. I was sort of embarrassed and I remember nervously laughing to myself, “Yeah right buddy!”
Most of us have probably had some experiences like that. It can be a little uncomfortable to realize that someone you don’t know is evaluating your body.
It feels weird even if he doesn’t plan to do anything. It might be a nice, innocent compliment, or it might be some nutty stalker looking for his next victim.
As far as I can tell, there’s no rule for handling those situations. You just try to get a sense of the person and what he means.
Depending on the situation, I might do the same thing as Morgan: just look down, keep walking, and hope that the guy doesn’t follow me.
If the guy really seems okay, and the situation feels safe, I might just smile and say “thank you.” But you have to be careful about that, because the guy might think it means you’re interested, and he might not be as okay as you thought he was.
Anyway, whether they say anything or not, you know when guys are looking and what they’re looking at. As long as the situation doesn’t seem dangerous, I just try to take it as a compliment. I suppose that the day I should really start to worry is if they stop looking.
With me, unlike Morgan, it’s usually not my legs that get their attention. Think higher up. That’s okay. I don’t expect guys to give me eye contact for the first couple of seconds. 🙂
Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.