Warning: This blog post talks about sex. It’s no more explicit than you would see in a magazine like Glamour, but if you think it would offend you, please don’t read it.
In various blog posts (and in a few drunken monologues on weekends), I’ve already admitted that:
- I like Margaritas and Diet Cokes.
- I’m not fat, but am in no danger of ever being a size zero.
- I spend too much money getting coffee at the Dirty.
- I saw “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” five times in the theatre.
- I’ve got crushes on both Michael Cera and Rachel Maddow.
- Last year, I had a very confusing dream about JoJo.
And possibly most embarrassing of all:
- I read Glamour, Vogue, Teen Vogue, and other magazines that are bad for my self-esteem.
But those magazines aren’t always right. Glamour has an article titled “Six Secrets About His Man Parts” that is completely misleading about what turns guys on.
I can’t read guys’ minds and I’m not the world’s foremost expert, but I think that I understand them pretty well.
The mistake that guys make about themselves — but which is more surprising in a magazine for women — is to think that sex is mainly just physical. It’s not. (The article was written by a guy, so no surprise there.)
Even for guys, sex is mostly mental. It’s his brain that you need to target, not his penis. I’m not saying “hands off,” of course: at the right time, that closes the deal. But there’s much more to it than simply making a grab for his joystick, at least if you want the situation to go well.
A lot goes in in a guy’s brain* when it comes to sex. His “old brain” (the primitive parts of the brain) just wants to find a fertile female, impregnate her, and then go find another one to do it again. But his “old brain” is pretty stupid and doesn’t know or care if you’re using contraception. It just pushes him to engage in biologically programmed behaviors that, in pre-technological settings, maximize the number of his children in the next generation.
Speaking of which, here’s a theological view of the subject. God makes Adam and then says, “I’ve got good news and bad news.” Adam says, “Give me the good news first.” God says, “I gave you a brain and a penis.” Adam says, “What’s the bad news?” And God says, “I didn’t give you enough blood to run both of them at the same time.”
However, a human male is much more than just programmed behaviors. He’s aware of himself as a person. He needs to feel powerful: it’s one of those guy things. He needs to respect himself and feel that he is important in his social hierarchy. He needs to feel that he is desired and desirable. He’s an intelligent being and he thinks (who knew? 🙂 ).
He has also had unique experiences in his life that he associates with sexual excitement. Those sometimes have nothing to do with sex itself, but they excite him just as if they had everything to do with it. They can be objects, words, ideas, or situations that are like “on buttons” in his brain. Guys are often very shy about revealing those things, but if you can guess what the buttons are, go ahead and push them.
So the real way to interest and excite a guy is to remember that sex takes place on many levels: mental, emotional, instinctive, and physical — but mostly it takes place in his brain.
Excite his emotions, make him feel powerful, push his mental “on buttons” if you know what they are. And of course don’t forget to flip the switch on his old brain: Show him something sexy or new to stimulate him visually. Hit him with a fragrance. Do all the other stuff that everyone knows about. If a guy is repressed, even biting him (not there, and not hard enough to draw blood) can help. It stimulates him physically by causing pain, but it also surprises him and breaks up his conscious control. That frees his ability to act on his desires.
I didn’t intend to get quite so explicit, but all of that is true. It won’t be a big surprise to some people, but maybe it will be helpful to others.
(Blog post #194!)
* Of course, here I’m talking about straight guys.
Copyright 2011 by Rinth de Shadley.
I was walking past a TV this afternoon when a talk show topic caught my attention: “Gay to Straight with Prayer?”
The show was “Dr. Drew” on the HLN news channel. I’ve never watched the show beyond the few seconds I saw today, but I know who Dr. Drew is. He’s a psychiatrist who graduated from medical school at the University of Southern California. Before that, he graduated from Amherst College, so he’s local to Shadley and he’s smart enough to get into Amherst. In other words, he’s no random homophobic nut.
From what I could tell, his guests included a fundamentalist Christian minister who wants to “cure” gays, a gay man who he supposedly cured, and a gay minister. I didn’t watch long enough to follow the discussion, but the viewpoints are easy to predict.
The fundamentalist minister probably cited the Bible’s Book of Leviticus to say that gays will burn in Hell. The ex-gay(?) man probably told about how he’s now married to a wonderful woman. And the gay minister pointed out that Leviticus prohibited many other things besides homosexuality, such as shaving and wearing clothes made from two kinds of cloth.
I Wasn’t Quite Right
I just watched some of the show on the Web so that I could grab the picture for this blog. My earlier guess about the fundamentalist minister wasn’t quite fair. He seemed much nicer than I expected, though he’s obviously still wrong about gays needing to be “cured.” The two men on the right side of the picture are a gay couple who met at the minister’s cure-the-gays program. They’re both still gay and are very happy.
People Should Be Happy
Now, I’m probably going to get in trouble with friends for saying this, but I think people can sometimes change their sexual orientation. Not always, but sometimes. Gays can become straight. Straights can also become gay, though I’ve never heard anyone bring up that option.
What makes it so radioactive to discuss changing sexual orientation is that it gets mixed up with a lot of other issues that really have nothing to do with it. It amounts to guilt by association.
Most people who talk about gays changing their sexual orientation are either nutty homophobes or self-hating gays. They believe that gay relationships are wrong, disgusting, an abomination, and all that hateful bigotry. So people think that it’s the only context in which gays might ever want to be straight or vice-versa.
As a future physician, I have what I consider a common-sense attitude: People should be happy. Helping them be happy and healthy will be my goal.
If a patient of mine was gay and unhappy about it, we would have two options.
The first option is better. We would try to correct any mistaken beliefs or emotional biases that cause the unhappiness. Since being gay is a perfectly healthy form of human sexual expression, it’s better not to try to change that unless absolutely necessary. I would very strongly advocate the first option.
The second option is more difficult and risks reinforcing negative beliefs. If we’ve tried the first option but the patient just can’t be happy and gay, we could try to change that. Sexual orientation (gay or straight) has multiple causes, both biological and psychological. Some people’s sexual orientation is pretty much set in stone, and the second option won’t work for them. Other people’s orientation is more flexible. If they really want to change, and are absolutely determined to do it, then they can. I’m not saying it’s right or that I’d recommend it, but it’s an option. It shouldn’t be dismissed just because some of the people who push it are hateful homophobes.
Happiness is More Important Than Stereotypes
I reiterate: People should be happy — preferably by accepting and loving themselves as they are.
But if for some reason they can’t do it, we shouldn’t let ideology or stereotypes stand in the way of helping them be the people they want to be and having the lives they want to have.
Copyright 2011 by Rinth de Shadley.
People want Ed and Jessica!
Well, actually, I only want Ed. Mostly. Though I admit Jessica is very attractive and I’m not narrow-minded about those things. After all, I go to a women’s college. If Rachel Maddow or Camille Paglia wanted to buy me a drink, I’d be absolutely thrilled. 🙂
They were a couple for several months. Then Jessica cheated on Ed while he was in England making a movie. When he found out, he broke up with her in spite of her pleas for a second chance.
I don’t want to pass judgment on either of them. We’ve all been in relationships, and breakups, and it usually hurts everyone involved.
What I have learned from their experience is what most people want to read.
Two or three months ago, I wrote a short blog about Ed and Jessica’s breakup. It took about 10 minutes to write. I gave the basic facts, and referred people to TeenDramaWhore.com for more information.
I’ve written about lots of other things, such as college parties, politics, libertarianism, the Catholic Church’s child-abuse scandal, Gen Y, neuroscience, and the time I got hypnotized by videos on YouTube. I wrote about a calculus tip. I wrote about eating healthy at McDonalds. After a seminar at Smith, I wrote about ethnic groups in China. I wrote about why atheists love breasts. I even wrote some very, very bad poetry after final exams at the end of last semester.
Some of those blog articles took me several days to research and write. One blog article about human rights took a couple of months to finalize, though about half of that was for research. To tell you the truth, I’m kind of proud of some of those blog articles.
But today’s blog statistics tell the story. People read the “Jessica and Ed” article 56 times. One person read an article about women’s rights in the Sudan, one time. That’s it.
The week’s statistics from yesterday say the same thing. Jessica and Ed, 251 hits. My analysis of libertarianism, 6 hits. A warning and first-person story about hypnosis on YouTube, 5 hits. Crazy health facts 4 hits, Gen Y 2 hits, then it’s 1, 1, 1. The last 1 doesn’t bother me so much, because the fewer people who read my really bad poetry, the less I’ll have to hope they forget it by the time I’m famous.
So what is the lesson from all this? I never wanted to focus just on how many readers I got. I wanted to write a blog about things that interested me, in the hope that they would interest other people as well.
That’s what I still want.
So when the spirit moves me to write about Ed and Jessica, I will. When I want to write about libertarianism, religion, politics, college, guys, or Chinese ethnic groups, that’s what I’ll write about.
I hope that you enjoy reading it, but if you don’t, then God bless you, and come back because next time the subject will be something different!
Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.
Now that I’ve fully recovered from my Saturday night of excess and debauchery at UMass, I was thinking about what I learned from it.
Don’t get the wrong idea, by the way. It wasn’t that excessive or debauched. Several of us went to the party together so we could look out for each other. We did drink a little, there were lots of guys to dance with, and there was some fairly good music. But that’s about it. On a debauchery scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a primary-school production of “The Sound of Music” and 10 being a typical day in Congress, the party was about a 6.
I didn’t really learn much from the party except that I should avoid having more than two drinks. Or maybe it was five: the exact number is a little hazy. But it did remind me of some things that I already knew about guys. Some of the things are occasionally annoying, but most of the time, they’re funny and kind of sweet:
If a guy at a party can get you drunk, he will.
Or at least he’ll try. Especially a college guy. It’s not even just about sex: it’s about male dominance. When you’re drunk, he’s more in control of things. Being in control is very important to guys. In the right situation, I’m not even against it, but getting trashed probably isn’t the best method.
Most guys think if you’re nice to them, it means you want to have sex with them.
Or even if you just smile at them on the street, they think that.
Their minds naturally go there. Parts of a guy’s brain that process sexual impulses (the interstitial nuclei of the anterior hypothalamus, or INAH) are twice as large in men as in women. Guys have a lot more wiring devoted to thinking about sex, so they think about it a lot. You knew I was studying neuroscience, right?
A guy is like a two-way light switch.
If a guy’s sex drive gets turned on, his thinking gets suppressed. If his thinking gets turned on, his sex drive gets suppressed. It’s called lateral inhibition. It’s why if you have an itch, you can make it better by scratching next to it. The same thing sometimes happens with brain systems: when one goes on, the other goes off. It also happens with the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, but that subject is too nerdy for a blog.
A guy’s intelligence can think of you as a person and treat you with respect. A guy’s sex drive doesn’t think of you as a person, but only as a place to put it. So if you want to have a normal conversation with a guy, you’ve got to avoid activating his sex drive.
Of course, because guys naturally think about sex, it’s very hard to avoid activating their sex drive. Heavy overcoats and ankle-length skirts can help, but very few of us want to wear those, so we don’t have a good solution to the problem.
Guys like to pursue even more than they like to capture.
Guys are all about the chase. They think that they like sex the most. But what they really seem to like, even more than sex, is trying to get sex.
The chase gives their lives meaning. The capture makes them fear that they’re going to be domesticated and forced to change diapers. Which they are, sometimes. They don’t like that idea even though studies show they will be happier, healthier, and live longer than otherwise. But nobody ever accused guys of making sense. 🙂
And now, I have homework. Ttys!
Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.
I was feeling a little depressed earlier this evening, so I took my own advice and got some exercise. I just finished, and I feel a lot better.
It seems to me that sometimes, we feel depressed and it’s really not about anything. It’s just that we’re tired or our brain chemistry is a little “down.” That’s when exercise, or activity, or going out with friends can help.
Back when psychology was just getting started, as a science at least, most researchers believed that depression was always a symptom of some deep personal problem. Sometimes, the problem was obvious, such as losing your job or getting dumped. But when there was no obvious cause, psychologists thought that you must be depressed because of some traumatic past experience that you’d forgotten.
Of course, some scientists didn’t believe that theory. From the 21st century as far back as the ancient Greeks, some people thought that psychological problems were caused by physical problems. The ancient Greeks thought that depression was caused by an imbalance of “humors,” which were four fluids in the body: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood. As long as the humors were properly balanced, everything was fine. But if you had too much black bile, you would feel depressed.
Now, of course, we have a theory slightly like that, but much more specific and supported by scientific evidence.
Yes, sometimes people really do get depressed because of things that happened to them. But other times, their brain chemistry is just out of balance. In particular, some depressed people are low on “neurotransmitter” molecules to carry messages from one brain cell to the next. A shortage of neurotransmitters means their brain is like a light bulb connected to a battery that’s low on power. The bulb shines dimly, and it flickers instead of giving a strong, steady light.
When that’s the problem, increasing the amount of neurotransmitters can help. Most antidepressant drugs try to do that in one way or another.
As for exercise — well, nobody is totally sure how exercise helps. But most people think that it causes endorphins to be released in the brain. Endorphins aren’t neurotransmitters, but they increase the amount of neurotransmitters (such as dopamine) in your brain. Exercise also gets more oxygen to your brain, which generally increases alertness and energy levels.
And speaking of that, my alertness tells me that I’ve got some studying to do. Ttfn!
Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.