Warning: This blog post talks about sex. It’s no more explicit than you would see in a magazine like Glamour, but if you think it would offend you, please don’t read it.
In various blog posts (and in a few drunken monologues on weekends), I’ve already admitted that:
- I like Margaritas and Diet Cokes.
- I’m not fat, but am in no danger of ever being a size zero.
- I spend too much money getting coffee at the Dirty.
- I saw “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” five times in the theatre.
- I’ve got crushes on both Michael Cera and Rachel Maddow.
- Last year, I had a very confusing dream about JoJo.
And possibly most embarrassing of all:
- I read Glamour, Vogue, Teen Vogue, and other magazines that are bad for my self-esteem.
But those magazines aren’t always right. Glamour has an article titled “Six Secrets About His Man Parts” that is completely misleading about what turns guys on.
I can’t read guys’ minds and I’m not the world’s foremost expert, but I think that I understand them pretty well.
The mistake that guys make about themselves — but which is more surprising in a magazine for women — is to think that sex is mainly just physical. It’s not. (The article was written by a guy, so no surprise there.)
Even for guys, sex is mostly mental. It’s his brain that you need to target, not his penis. I’m not saying “hands off,” of course: at the right time, that closes the deal. But there’s much more to it than simply making a grab for his joystick, at least if you want the situation to go well.
A lot goes in in a guy’s brain* when it comes to sex. His “old brain” (the primitive parts of the brain) just wants to find a fertile female, impregnate her, and then go find another one to do it again. But his “old brain” is pretty stupid and doesn’t know or care if you’re using contraception. It just pushes him to engage in biologically programmed behaviors that, in pre-technological settings, maximize the number of his children in the next generation.
Speaking of which, here’s a theological view of the subject. God makes Adam and then says, “I’ve got good news and bad news.” Adam says, “Give me the good news first.” God says, “I gave you a brain and a penis.” Adam says, “What’s the bad news?” And God says, “I didn’t give you enough blood to run both of them at the same time.”
However, a human male is much more than just programmed behaviors. He’s aware of himself as a person. He needs to feel powerful: it’s one of those guy things. He needs to respect himself and feel that he is important in his social hierarchy. He needs to feel that he is desired and desirable. He’s an intelligent being and he thinks (who knew? 🙂 ).
He has also had unique experiences in his life that he associates with sexual excitement. Those sometimes have nothing to do with sex itself, but they excite him just as if they had everything to do with it. They can be objects, words, ideas, or situations that are like “on buttons” in his brain. Guys are often very shy about revealing those things, but if you can guess what the buttons are, go ahead and push them.
So the real way to interest and excite a guy is to remember that sex takes place on many levels: mental, emotional, instinctive, and physical — but mostly it takes place in his brain.
Excite his emotions, make him feel powerful, push his mental “on buttons” if you know what they are. And of course don’t forget to flip the switch on his old brain: Show him something sexy or new to stimulate him visually. Hit him with a fragrance. Do all the other stuff that everyone knows about. If a guy is repressed, even biting him (not there, and not hard enough to draw blood) can help. It stimulates him physically by causing pain, but it also surprises him and breaks up his conscious control. That frees his ability to act on his desires.
I didn’t intend to get quite so explicit, but all of that is true. It won’t be a big surprise to some people, but maybe it will be helpful to others.
(Blog post #194!)
* Of course, here I’m talking about straight guys.
Copyright 2011 by Rinth de Shadley.
Sin. Everybody’s against it. But everybody does it, so we must like it.
Growing up Catholic, as I have, you learn a lot about sin.
I won’t tell you my personal favorites, but there are lots of sins to choose from: Lust. Jealousy. Lust. Anger. Lust. Drunkenness. Lust. Disrespect to parents. Lust. And I left out all the really juicy ones.
Okay, I probably shouldn’t joke about it. Sin is a serious matter. That’s true even if some people think that perfectly okay things are sinful. They won’t dance or listen to music because they’re afraid of going to hell. Others won’t let a drop of alcohol pass their lips. And others are big into chastity.
Avoiding sin isn’t really about being obsessed with our guilt or being afraid of punishment. It’s about being the best people we can be. Some of us take it to extremes, but the idea is still valid.
The Catholic solution is to recognize that we’re inevitably going to sin, so we need a way to make up for it. We make up for it by confessing our sins to a priest, who prescribes a penance and grants absolution.
Confession on Your iPod
It had been a while since I went to confession, so I got a new app for my iPod Touch: “Confession: A Roman Catholic App.” It was developed with advice from two priests and has the official App-roval of a Bishop in Indiana.
First, you enter your name, sex, birthdate, and some other information so it can personalize the questions and advice it gives you. Under Vocation, I was going to put “student,” but I found out it means religious vocation or marital status. So I put single. For the date of my last confession, let’s just say that I’ve committed a few sins since then.
After you login, it creates a “custom examination of conscience” asking about how well you’ve followed the 10 Commandments. Each Commandment gets its own screen. On each screen, there’s a checklist of things you should do or not do according to that Commandment. As you work through the checklists, the app compiles the sins you should confess.
I was okay on the first commandment, but I had a little trouble with the second. Yes, I probably have used God’s name lightly or carelessly. Yes, I have wished evil on another person, but it didn’t last long and I try not to do anything evil to other people.
Third commandment, I didn’t do very well on that, because I’ve missed Mass and done work on Sunday. Fourth, I’m fine on that.
The fifth commandment, I knew that screen would have a question about abortion. I haven’t had one. But I have probably abused alcohol a time or two.
Sixth commandment about adultery. Well, I haven’t been involved with anyone who’s married. It also asks about any sexual activity outside of marriage, impure thoughts, dressing modestly, and a couple other things. If you don’t mind, I’ll keep my answers private on those.
I’m sure that the questions about abortion and “dressing modestly” were there because I’m a 21-year-old woman. So the app really does customize the questions for who’s using it. That’s why it wants your sex and age.
Seventh, pretty much okay. Eighth, yes I’ve gossiped and I sometimes have uncharitable thoughts. Ninth is all about impure thoughts, and I have those: in some situations quite a few. Tenth, yes I do sometimes envy what other people have.
Based on your sins and how long it has been since your last confession, the app displays a customized introduction for you. Then it gives you a list of sins to confess to the priest, based on the answers you gave earlier. As you confess a sin, you touch the iPod screen to check it off your list. When you’ve finished the list, the app gives you a prayer of contrition and tells you how to respond to what the priest says.
A Good App for Everyone
Even though the app is designed for Catholics, a lot of the questions it asks apply to people of any religion or even no religion.
It’s easy to make fun of something like this. But “Confession” is a good tool for anyone to examine if they’re being the kind of people they want to be.
Copyright 2011 by Rinth de Shadley.
I saw a quote today that I liked. Someone asked the movie director Woody Allen if sex was dirty.
He answered, “It is if you do it right.” 🙂
Remember my doctor friend at the hospital, the one who’s going to help me study for the MCAT?
Well, he’s taking me on a late dinner date tonight to a super-nice restaurant down on Clark Street. I haven’t been there before, but I’ve heard of it and it sounds wonderful.
Of course, I’ll try not to eat or drink very much, both to make a good impression and so that I’ll still be thinking clearly later on.
Just by coincidence, the restaurant is fairly close to where he lives but farther away from where I live. These things are just a teensy bit predictable. After dinner, he’ll suggest that we go back to his place to listen to music or watch a DVD. That’s fine. I want to do that, along with the expected extra-curricular activities. But then it gets late. And he asks, ever so innocently, if maybe I should stay there tonight?
I’ll be disappointed if he doesn’t try. And I do like him. But no, sorry, not on the first date.
I need to let the boy make a little progress so he feels that it’s worth the effort. But not too much progress. As my Mom says, people don’t appreciate what they get too easily. It applies to education, and to money, and … to other things. 🙂
And with that, I had better start getting ready!
Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.