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Sex on the Brain

Sex is more about the brain than about anything else. Photo: Glamour.

Warning: This blog post talks about sex. It’s no more explicit than you would see in a magazine like Glamour, but if you think it would offend you, please don’t read it.

In various blog posts (and in a few drunken monologues on weekends), I’ve already admitted that:

And possibly most embarrassing of all:

  • I read Glamour, Vogue, Teen Vogue, and other magazines that are bad for my self-esteem.

But those magazines aren’t always right. Glamour has an article titled “Six Secrets About His Man Parts” that is completely misleading about what turns guys on.

I can’t read guys’ minds and I’m not the world’s foremost expert, but I think that I understand them pretty well.

The mistake that guys make about themselves — but which is more surprising in a magazine for women — is to think that sex is mainly just physical. It’s not. (The article was written by a guy, so no surprise there.)

Even for guys, sex is mostly mental. It’s his brain that you need to target, not his penis. I’m not saying “hands off,” of course: at the right time, that closes the deal. But there’s much more to it than simply making a grab for his joystick, at least if you want the situation to go well.

A lot goes in in a guy’s brain* when it comes to sex. His “old brain” (the primitive parts of the brain) just wants to find a fertile female, impregnate her, and then go find another one to do it again. But his “old brain” is pretty stupid and doesn’t know or care if you’re using contraception. It just pushes him to engage in biologically programmed behaviors that, in pre-technological settings, maximize the number of his children in the next generation.

Speaking of which, here’s a theological view of the subject. God makes Adam and then says, “I’ve got good news and bad news.” Adam says, “Give me the good news first.” God says, “I gave you a brain and a penis.” Adam says, “What’s the bad news?” And God says, “I didn’t give you enough blood to run both of them at the same time.”

However, a human male is much more than just programmed behaviors. He’s aware of himself as a person. He needs to feel powerful: it’s one of those guy things. He needs to respect himself and feel that he is important in his social hierarchy. He needs to feel that he is desired and desirable. He’s an intelligent being and he thinks (who knew? 🙂 ).

He has also had unique experiences in his life that he associates with sexual excitement. Those sometimes have nothing to do with sex itself, but they excite him just as if they had everything to do with it. They can be objects, words, ideas, or situations that are like “on buttons” in his brain. Guys are often very shy about revealing those things, but if you can guess what the buttons are, go ahead and push them.

So the real way to interest and excite a guy is to remember that sex takes place on many levels: mental, emotional, instinctive, and physical — but mostly it takes place in his brain.

Excite his emotions, make him feel powerful, push his mental “on buttons” if you know what they are. And of course don’t forget to flip the switch on his old brain: Show him something sexy or new to stimulate him visually. Hit him with a fragrance. Do all the other stuff that everyone knows about. If a guy is repressed, even biting him (not there, and not hard enough to draw blood) can help. It stimulates him physically by causing pain, but it also surprises him and breaks up his conscious control. That frees his ability to act on his desires.

I didn’t intend to get quite so explicit, but all of that is true. It won’t be a big surprise to some people, but maybe it will be helpful to others.

(Blog post #194!)

______________________

* Of course, here I’m talking about straight guys.


Copyright 2011 by Rinth de Shadley.

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Stupid Pickup Lines

We went clubbing tonight but have an early-morning start so I’m in early.

No time to write much but I heard two amazingly stupid pickup lines tonight.

Hey, I’m not criticizing. Sometimes stupid works. If a guy is willing to make a fool of himself and risk almost certain rejection, it shows that he’s motivated.

Pickup line #1 was addressed to my friend Kris, not to me. If I posted a pic of us from tonight you would understand. When we’re out, she gets most of the attention. I’m okay with that. We aren’t usually interested in the same kinds of guys, so there’s no conflict.

Anyway, here’s the line: “You are two babes’ worth of sexy.”

Yeah, I told you it was stupid. The guy was okay though. And obviously motivated.

Pickup line #2 was a guy making a joke about how good he was in bed. At least, I think he was making a joke.

He said, “I know that I’m good in bed.” When I asked him how he knew, he said, “Because I’m always satisfied.” And then he grinned. And I laughed, it was kind of funny.

That guy wasn’t awful, either, but not worth canceling tomorrow morning’s plans.

My Top 10 Lies of 2010

This doesn’t look much like me. And that’s the truth.

I definitely do not endorse lying. But I would be lying if I said that I never did it.

The best I can say is that I don’t do it to hurt anyone. If there is such a thing as “white lies,” I claim that mine fall into that category.

Anyway, here are my top 10 lies of 2010:

1. “I’m 21.”

Before I turned 21 this year, I told that lie a few times. Of course, I would never, ever use fake ID to back it up. Never never. Honestly, hardly ever.

2. “I weigh 110.”

Yeah, right. Nobody believed that one, but they were nice and pretended to believe it.

3. “I’m a complete ditz with computers.”

Actually, I’m not. But there was a cute tech support guy at the hospital where I had my summer internship. He showed me lots of moves that I already knew about. On the computer, I mean.

4. “It’s just the right size.”

A guy I was dating asked if the passenger seat of his car was comfortable for me. Actually, it was a little small, but I know how sensitive guys can be about their cars. And if you want to read that as a metaphor for something else, feel free. 🙂

5. “I’ll be ready in two minutes.”

Make that 20 minutes. But there’s a reason. If you make a guy wait a little while (but not too long), the anticipation makes him more eager and excited.

6. “I just wear whatever is in the closet.”

Uh-uh. Not even at school, where our style of dress is very casual. I’m no Serena van der Woodsen, but I do my best to look good.

7. “It was only $50.”

My Alice + Olivia cardigan was really over $200, but it is comfortable, tres sexy, and worth every penny. And I bought it with my own money: I just didn’t want the ‘rents to bug me about it.

8. “I absolutely love basketball!”

When you’re dealing with testosterone, you have to make a few compromises. I don’t care much about basketball but I like the guy. So it’s only fair to do some things that he likes to do. Besides the obvious.

9. “I’m only going to eat a little bit of that.”

A serving of ice cream has no calories if you only eat half, so that’s what I did on Mountain Day. Half of this serving, and half of that one. It ended up being more than a little bit, but it was good!

10. “It’s my natural hair color.”

No, it’s another miracle of modern chemistry. But I’m glad you like it. 🙂


Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.

Obsolete Sexist Joke of the Week

It’s only funny because it’s (mostly) not true anymore.

On the TV show “Modern Family” this week, the smart daughter Alex envies the popularity of her sister Haley:

Alex: So dumb guys go for dumb girls. And smart guys go for dumb girls. What do smart girls get?

Father: Cats, mostly.

For the record, we have only one cat. She belongs to the whole family.

And I’ve got a smart guy. So there. 🙂


Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.

Profusely Praising Priapi

Michelangelo’s David, a classic sculpture at the Accademia di Belle Arti Firenze in Florence, Italy. Yes, he’s nude. Get over it.

Please permit me to perambulate a path of profound and possibly perverse priapic prose, perhaps puckering playfully before man’s pride.

Oh, I do like guys. I like how they smell. I like how they look. I like how they feel. I like how they act.

I like it that they’re simple and direct. I like it that they’re crazy and obsessed. I like it that they’re often totally clueless. I like it that their motivations are usually pretty transparent.

But not everyone likes guys. Some people think that they’re obsolete.

In the current issue of The Atlantic magazine, Hanna Rosin heralds “The End of Men:”

Earlier this year, women became the majority of the workforce for the first time in U.S. history. Most managers are now women too. And for every two men who get a college degree this year, three women will do the same. … What if modern, post-industrial society is simply better suited to women?

I don’t want to over-simplify Hanna’s thesis, but her essential argument seems to be:

  • “Male” qualities such as physical strength, decisiveness, and craving for adventure were most useful in pre-industrial societies. They are much less significant in post-industrial societies.
  • “Female” qualities such as social intelligence, patience, conscientiousness, and nurturing have now become more significant than male qualities.
  • As a result, women are displacing men as the dominant sex.

I put “male” and “female” in quotes because both sexes have all of those qualities. On average, men are physically stronger than we are and they have less social intelligence. On average, we are more patient and systematic than men. But there is so much variation between individuals that generalizations can deceive us.

Because men and women are different (on average), each tends to do some things better than the other. And I really don’t like that word, “dominant” — at least, outside of certain recreational contexts. 🙂

The world needs dreamers and adventurers. They’re the ones who risk their lives on crazy theories that, 999 times out of 1,000, aren’t true. But it’s that 1 time out of 1,000 when they’re right that moves us forward. And men are more prone to take those crazy risks than we are, though we can do it, too.

The world also needs patient, careful, systematic thinkers who can work together in teams and support each other. Without them, the discoveries of dreamers and adventurers would never get put to work for everyone’s benefit. We are more prone to do it than men are, though men can do it, too.

As for whether women or men are better adapted to life in post-industrial society, Hanna has a point. But it depends a lot on the job and the situation. And when women have been disadvantaged by unfair circumstances, we’ve pushed for change to correct those circumstances.

We should do no less for men if they’re now in the same situation.


Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.

My Torso Is Not in a Dumpster

Commencement by J. Courtney Sullivan. It’s amazing!

I know that I haven’t blogged since before my date last week, but don’t worry: I’m not dead!

My date last Friday night was wonderful. He definitely did not chop me up into little pieces and put them into zip-lock sandwich bags for mailing to a weird little rural town full of cannibals. 🙂

Yes, I know that sounds crazy. But in my own defense, I’m not the only one who sometimes has morbid fears like that.

As I mentioned on Twitter, I’m reading J. Courtney Sullivan’s new novel Commencement, about four friends at Smith College. It is amazing! But in an early scene, one of the friends wakes up after a night of drunken passion:

The guy lying next to her was named Brian or Ryan; that much she remembered. Everything else was a bit of a blur … She was lucky not to have been chopped up into little bits. You saw it in the papers all the time: They met at a party, he asked her to go for a stroll, two days later the police found her torso in a dumpster in Queens. She wished that casual sex wasn’t so intimately connected to the possibility of being murdered, but there you had it.

Just for the record, no sex, casual or otherwise, has occurred yet with the guy I’m seeing. Of course, it depends on what you count as sex, but it’s not casual, anyway. And he’s a doctor. And my Dad is on the board of the hospital where he works and where I am a summer intern. So the situation lacks the kind of anonymity that might lead to my torso being found in a dumpster in Queens. Plus, he’d need to figure out how to get my torso on a plane to New York to dump it there. 🙂

Oooh, this is sounding kind of gruesome! Sorry about that. I’m really a very happy person, not suicidal, don’t cut myself, etc., etc., and so forth.

But I totally recommend that you run out and get Commencement. I will post a full book review when I’ve finished reading it, but I am enjoying it a lot.

My guy won’t tell me where we’re going tonight, but it’s going to be a dance club. That much I know.

Eeek! I have to be ready in a little over an hour! Wish me luck … and I hope that you have a great weekend, too!

Ttfn …


Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.

My Big Fat Friday Dinner Date

Maybe this is the place. If it is, I’ll see you there!

Remember my doctor friend at the hospital, the one who’s going to help me study for the MCAT?

Well, he’s taking me on a late dinner date tonight to a super-nice restaurant down on Clark Street. I haven’t been there before, but I’ve heard of it and it sounds wonderful.

Of course, I’ll try not to eat or drink very much, both to make a good impression and so that I’ll still be thinking clearly later on.

Just by coincidence, the restaurant is fairly close to where he lives but farther away from where I live. These things are just a teensy bit predictable. After dinner, he’ll suggest that we go back to his place to listen to music or watch a DVD. That’s fine. I want to do that, along with the expected extra-curricular activities. But then it gets late. And he asks, ever so innocently, if maybe I should stay there tonight?

I’ll be disappointed if he doesn’t try. And I do like him. But no, sorry, not on the first date.

I need to let the boy make a little progress so he feels that it’s worth the effort. But not too much progress. As my Mom says, people don’t appreciate what they get too easily. It applies to education, and to money, and … to other things. 🙂

And with that, I had better start getting ready!


Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.

Categories: Dating, feminism, Guys, Life Tags: , , ,