Five Ways to See Me Naked
I see myself naked every day, and I can tell you it’s not that big a deal.
But if it’s something that interests you, or even obsesses you (in a harmless, non-stalker-y way), there are five ways you can do it.
1. Be My Doctor
You’ll need four years of college and four years of medical school. After that, there’s internship and residency. You’ll have hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans to pay off. And you’ll have to look good wearing a stethoscope. But that will do it.
2. Be My Roommate
This is possible if you’re a female college student. You don’t have to submit SAT scores, but you should have good grades and be ready to work hard. You need to talk me out of the single room I have this year as a senior. And, of course, you need a little over $50,000 per year for tuition and expenses. But you will get a good look.
3. Be My Boyfriend
This is probably harder than being my doctor or my roommate. You have to be sweet, smart, funny, and considerate. You have to put up with my bullsh*t (after all, I’ll put up with yours). You have to remember what color my eyes are, when my birthday is, and you have to lie convincingly about whether that dress looks good on me even if you secretly hate it. But you will get to see me naked. And stuff. 🙂
4. Be Rachel Maddow
I consider myself straight (though I think people worry too much about labels). But I would definitely make an exception for MSNBC political commentator Rachel Maddow, who is smart, funny, a former Rhodes scholar, and who gets this incredibly sexy kind of half-smile when she’s making an important point. Rachel’s partner Susan might object, so I wouldn’t just make the offer. But if Rachel asked …
5. Work for TSA
This is the easiest one. No college or medical school required. You don’t have to be smart, funny, or nice. You can be a bully. You can smell bad.
Yes, next week I will fly home for Thanksgiving. And the friendly people of the Transportation Security Agency will use their magical X-ray scanners to inspect me from head to toe. Au naturel, a phrase that has three meanings:
- In the natural state,
- Nude, or
- Cooked plainly.
Natural is good. Nude in the airport, not if I had a choice. And cooked plainly — well, they say their X-ray scanners are safe, but who knows if it’s true?
Of course, I might also get felt up. Here’s a sentence I never expected to read in The New York Times:
“I didn’t really expect her to touch my vagina through my pants,” said Kaya McLaren, an elementary schoolteacher from Cle Elum, Wash.
I don’t like it, but I can’t do anything about it. I’m just so happy that I live in a free country and that President Obama has reversed all those Bush policies. Not.
Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.
"Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door."
-- Emily Dickinson
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