What I’d Do for a Million Dollars

Blake Lively as Serena van der Woodsen. Photo: The CW/Patrick Harbron/Landov.

What would you do for money? A lot of money?

George Bernard Shaw, who was an English satirist, once asked a woman at a party if she would sleep with him for a million British pounds. When she said yes, he asked if she would do it for one pound. Angrily, she asked, “What kind of woman do you think I am?” Shaw said, “We’ve established what kind of woman you are. Now, we’re just haggling about the price.”

I’m still trying to figure out what kind of woman I am. Sometimes, I think I’d like to be the kind who

is going to win over all our teachers, wear that dress we couldn’t fit into, eat the last olive, have sex in our parents’ beds, spill Campari on our rugs, steal our brothers’ and our boyfriends’ hearts, and basically ruin our lives and piss all of us off in a major way. (Gossip Girl)

But in the meantime, anyway, here is my price list.

For a million dollars, I would

• Kiss Justin Bieber. No tongue. And no, he doesn’t get anything else, not even for another million. What is he, like 12?
• Become Chuck Bass‘s trophy wife. Though in all honesty, he can probably do better than me if he wants a trophy wife.

For a thousand dollars, I would

• Wear a Winerack bra. For another thousand, I’d let a guy drink from it.
• Dance around a stripper pole for a music video. Just dance. Nothing comes off. If Miley Cyrus shows me the moves, it’s free. Don’t read anything into that. Unless you want to.

For free, I would

• Kiss Michael Cera or Penn Badgley, or both. I would probably also [censored]. 🙂
• Kiss Rachel Maddow.
• Take a part as the new bad girl on my favorite TV show, “Gossip Girl.” Of course, SAG wouldn’t let me do it for free, but I’d be willing.

Never, for any amount of money, would I

• Kiss Rush Limbaugh.
• Trade places with Lindsay Lohan.
• Show my parents the very small tramp stamp I got last year (though they probably know about it).
• Tell my younger brother that I’m proud of him.

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Copyright 2010 by Rinth de Shadley.