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Serena’s To-Do List

(This is fan fiction and is presented under the “fair use” provisions of copyright law as a parody of characters on the TV series “Gossip Girl.” Except as a fan, I am not affiliated with “Gossip Girl,” The CW Television Network, or Alloy Entertainment.)

A friend emailed to say that this blog sounded as if I don’t like Serena. Just for the record, I really do like Serena. Of all the GG characters, she’s the one with whom I most identify. I think she’s the nicest and the smartest one on the show. That’s why I’ve been so disappointed by her lately. It’s like she left her brains in Europe.

Journal of Serena van der Woodsen, December 1, 2009

Now, I’m officially “the other woman” breaking up Trip’s marriage — and let’s be fair, his wife is a horrible, scheming b*tch who makes Blair Waldorf seem like a dewy-eyed innocent. Anyway, I thought that I should take inventory of the guys in my circle to make sure that I don’t miss anyone. Let’s see:

  • Nate: Done. Twice. But he made those moony eyes at me last night when I got into the limo with Trip, and I felt really guilty. Not saying I couldn’t get involved with Nate again, but we’ll see.
  • Dan: Done. Broke up. Got back together. Broke up. Got back together. Broke up. Maybe if he starts something with Vanessa, I’ll get the urge again.
  • Aaron: Done. Every girl should date an artist. Better I should date Aaron than that artist who was on “House” and drew his girlfriend with three noses.
  • Trip: Done. Finally. Enough with the flirting and elevator nonsense. He’s a $Vanderbilt and a Congressman-elect, so that has its merits. Of course, we still have to deal with his wife. She seems like someone it’s dangerous to cross, like Georgina except that I won’t make the mistake of trusting her. Ever.
  • Chuck: What an arrogant pr*ck. I’d do him in a second, even without the multi-billion dollars he has. Of course, that would monumentally piss off Blair. And I know Chuck well enough to know that even if you’re involved with him, he’s not involved with you for one moment after he’s done with you. Still … if I ever want a bad boy, he’s the pick of the litter.
  • Bart: He’s a billionaire, but euuuw. Anyway, he was my stepfather, which would be kinky, and he’s also dead, which would be way too kinky. On the other hand, it would really piss off Mom … hmmm. Put that in the “possible” column.
  • Rufus: He’s my current stepfather. A nice guy, and attractive in kind of a grungy sort of way, but I just don’t want to go there.
  • Eric: He’s my brother and he’s gay. Of course, in an emergency, those little obstacles can be “surmounted,” so to speak. I could ply him with wine (maybe a Domaine Romanée-Conti) and do my Lady Gaga impersonation. That would also piss off Mom. Hmm. Dan already had a three-way with Olivia and Vanessa. Dead Bart, Eric, and me? No, that’s too weird even for a Swedish movie.
  • Nate’s grandfather: He’s absolutely ancient, but in good condition for his age, like the Parthenon. Kind of a schemer but smart and not terribly mean. I wouldn’t say “never.”
  • Cyrus: He’s Blair’s stepfather, pretty old, not particularly good-looking, and living in Paris with Ms. Waldorf. But he has the kind of magnetism that brilliant, talented guys can have when they’re also rather nice. Plus, I totally loved him in “The Princess Bride.” Put him in the “possible” column.
  • Russ Tamblyn: He’s not on the show, and it would really piss off Amber, but I loved him as the dog walker on “Joan of Arcadia.” Plus he was incredible in the movie “West Side Story,” even though that was made like 100 years ago. Put him in the “possible” column.

Copyright 2009 by Rinth de Shadley.

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